Tuesday, November 20, 2012

So Happy It's Not Considered Crazy

So when someone has recently lost someone very close is just about the only time that hallucinations of any kind are considered totally normal and ok.

I say that so no one responds to this post with "ho damn...she lost her mind".

So let's go with it.

When my Wolfcub left this earth, I felt it. I didn't need Doc to tell me his heart had stopped. I felt his light go away with his last little heart beat. And he was gone. I didn't "feel" him around anymore. Normally I dream and feel those dreams provide guidance and insight. I have had exactly ZERO dreams of him since he passed. I didn't feel him in my home. He was straight up gone from me.

It's really torn me up. When Matt's grandma, a very dear lady to me, passed - I felt her everywhere for several weeks. Still occasionally I feel her. But my own son? Nothing!? WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?

It felt like everything was just completely severed. He was gone. WHY? Was he mad? Was he done with me? Did we just have a good and full goodbye and there was nothing left? Did he hate me for not being able to save him? Was there just nothing left? Was he reincarnated? TRUST ME, I considered every reason. All of them hurt.

So a few nights ago, I had this moment that just let me relax about some of the things I had worried about. Like his stocking. Put it up? Get rid of it? Hide it? Burn it? What do I do with it? We had an empty hook in our stocking arrangement. And my Little Bird, who is so full of light, didn't think a second about running into the closet, and digging out Rowan's stocking and hanging it up. "There! I fixed it!" She yelled. And she was right. I keep thinking I have to make all these big decisions on how we grieve by myself...but we're all doing this together. I finally relaxed a little bit about the next few weeks and all we are going to face.

I went to bed that night, and as I laid down, suddenly it was like there was a whisper on my chest, like a warm light that felt like when Rowan used to place his hand over my heart when I held him. I knew that feeling. And just as fast as I'd felt him leave nearly 4 months ago, it was like this warm light that was full of joy and peace was sending images into my head, images filled with feelings. Messages.

The beautiful red stocking in our family display, with Rowan telling me that he thought it was cool. Little Bird sleeping peacefully in her bed, glowing in the lights of her little tree, hands engulfing a soft little plush wolf - and the sense that he checks up on her frequently, he loves her, and he loves that she has his old things.

Then this image of two wolves, sad, prideful, and longing as a little naked boy said goodbye as he was leaving the jungle, the sound of Doc's voice reading the farewell scene taking place from the Jungle Book, my son acknowledging the connection of the story his father read to him and how it played into his life - showing that he understood as we did, that our Mowgli had to leave the Jungle.

Then my little boy waking up after open heart surgery, intubated, and smiling and near dancing with joy as he woke up and saw his Dad waiting on him. A feeling of pride. Acknowledging the pride his daddy felt for him then and wanting that feeling to be one that lasted forever.

Then it was like I got to ask him questions. I told him how much I missed him and kept wishing to see him places. Of all the times I pictured him with us and life seemed so much happier.

He showed me a glimpse of my brother's wedding, where I was giggling during the ceremony as I realized that the entire audience was standing and that it was adorable. It was as if he had been there laughing in delight too, just stopping in to to watch.

A lot of my thoughts and questions were met with confussion or shrugging, as if he didn't really know or was indifferent. I felt glimpses of other lights - people I'd known who had passed, almost chasing in and out of the conversation. And after all this, I couldn't stop tears from flowing. Since then, it's like I feel his warmth in our home all the time. No more images and certainly not the rapid fire ones - but it's like his light is just hanging out for a while.

Is it crazy? A little, haha. I thought it was weird how similar the whole thing felt to what mediums describe on TV. I honestly don't care if it was real or not. If it IS real or not. It was amazingly beautiful. I needed it. And it makes me feel like the holidays may not be depressing and horrible after all.

I'm thankful for the crazy.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I'm thankful to feel the joy and light Rowan brought to my life again.


  1. Knowing you had this experience gives me the warm fuzzies. I hope you never stop getting those feelings :)

  2. No one's reality is truly the same, right? I wholeheartedly believe that what you experienced was real. I'm glad to know that Rowan's still got his eyes on you three :) (not that I thought he didn't)