Well, I toured the St Francis Labor and Delivery floor with Doc.
The good thing is that the NICU is much closer to the Labor and Delivery rooms as well as Postpartum recovery than I expected.
That’s about all the good things.
It’s not home. There are too many people moving around everywhere. It feels like a big factory shuffling people around.
I loved Little Bird’s birth. I’m terrified of what this one will be like. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to do it this time around. I’m afraid that knowing what awaits him when he is born will cause a mental block that will keep me from letting my body do what it needs to.
But I can’t dwell on what scares me. I can’t let it matter – because it doesn’t.
I’m scared. Big deal. The hospital terrifies me. Who cares? This entire pregnancy from flu shot to high level scans to hospital delivery, knowing I will most likely not even get to hold my son for several days at best…it’s so anti who I am and what I believed in. It goes against every maternal instinct I have had. All of those “earth mother” “naturalistic” “trust in myself” ideas used to be so defining to how I viewed myself.
But, Rowan doesn’t need a super hippie mom who mistrusts the business of healthcare. He needs a mom who does what is best for him, even if it’s scary. Time to let go of “who I am” and be who I must.
We don’t all get to stay young forever. Sometimes we have to grow up and realize that who we are doesn’t fit and we have to change to be something we don’t recognize. I can figure out who I am again when my son is home with his family.