Monday, October 10, 2011

Still a Hippie

Well, I toured the St Francis Labor and Delivery floor with Doc.

The good thing is that the NICU is much closer to the Labor and Delivery rooms as well as Postpartum recovery than I expected.

That’s about all the good things.

It’s not home.  There are too many people moving around everywhere.  It feels like a big factory shuffling people around.

I loved Little Bird’s birth.  I’m terrified of what this one will be like.  I’m terrified that I won’t be able to do it this time around. I’m afraid that knowing what awaits him when he is born will cause a mental block that will keep me from letting my body do what it needs to.

But I can’t dwell on what scares me.  I can’t let it matter – because it doesn’t.

I’m scared.  Big deal. The hospital terrifies me.  Who cares? This entire pregnancy from flu shot to high level scans to hospital delivery, knowing I will most likely not even get to hold my son for several days at best…it’s so anti who I am and what I believed in.  It goes against every maternal instinct I have had.  All of those “earth mother” “naturalistic” “trust in myself” ideas used to be so defining to how I viewed myself.

But, Rowan doesn’t need a super hippie mom who mistrusts the business of healthcare.  He needs a mom who does what is best for him, even if it’s scary.  Time to let go of “who I am” and be who I must.

We don’t all get to stay young forever.  Sometimes we have to grow up and realize that who we are doesn’t fit and we have to change to be something we don’t recognize.  I can figure out who I am again when my son is home with his family.


  1. What you're doing can be defined as courage.

    My latin teacher in High School said something that's really stuck with me about courage. He explained one day that bravery and courage are not the same thing and it's important to understand why.

    A brave man will rush into a situation he knows are dangerous without reason. He has not considered the consequences and is generally acting foolishly and recklessly for the sinful side of glory and pride. He often does this with little fear because he simply doesn't understand the danger.

    A courageous man does a dangerous thing because he should. Not because he must. He understands the danger, he knows there may be other ways of dealing with the problem, but to face the danger head-on is the right thing to do. A courageous man has calculated the odds and knows the danger well. He is still afraid, but he will do what he feels he must, selflessly, for love of something greater than himself and his emotions.

    It's funny how understanding a single word can help you understand the meaning of an action it describes.

    I, personally, think that hospitals are the best solution we have for medical problems. I feel like homeopathy and new-age home-birth mid-wife stuff is far more dangerous than the modern alternative in all births not just the complicated ones.
    Aside from that I can understand the fear of such an industrialized process. To call it unnatural is just a start. It triggers off so many gooey bad feelings that even knowing it's the best thing can't fight off the yucky feeling you get walking around in a hospital.
    BUT, this isn't about what anyone else thinks. It's not even about the truth. Courage fights internal emotion. You are the only person who can make you do something courageous because your fears are the only fears you must fight to achieve it.
    It is an achievement worth a great deal of respect. Many people can't put aside themselves long enough to do something that takes real courage.


  2. I totally understand your worries about having Rowan in a hospital. I turned into a hippie at the end of my pregnancy and started freaking out about giving birth at the hospital. I looked into other options, but it was sort of too late to change or plan. But, I had a wonderful experience at the hospital! We were we very clear with the nurses about what we wanted, asked a lot of questions, and told them no if it wasn't something we were comfortable with. They are not very used to this, and do a lot automatically, because most women go with whatever they say, so you may have to remind them. I was induced and asked my doctor to turn down my pitocin, which they did. I even refused them breaking my water, which shocked them, but it broke later on it's own! We also had a doula with us, which helped a lot. She was training to be a midwife, so she was able to help us out with knowing what to do, speaking up, and advocating for us. I know it's not your ideal, but hopefully it can be close to what you want!