I am a Badass

Let me begin with a giant thank you to my friend Lizzy! I recently had a status update on Facebook warning that I was experiencing some grief relapse and I may be reflecting that on my updates in the near future so I gave warning. Then came a message asking for my address and a few days later, a lovely book.

“You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero

The humor and frankness of this author has been exactly what I needed. I am a badass.

I honestly don’t exercise to be skinny. I do it to feel like a badass. When I feel strong I feel like a badass.

I wear high heels because the way I walk in them makes me feel confident and strong. I feel like I can take on anything.

I do things like the Warrior Dash, marathon vacationing, summer reading programs, and delve into home cooking because doing those things makes me feel strong. Confident. Capable. And darn it, it makes me feel like a badass. I made a freaking quiche. What could be more badass?!

AND. THAT. MATTERS.

Life dealt me a crappy blow. I can’t let it be my excuse. I can’t sit in the dark and be sad. I can’t not take chances or seek happiness because I know all to well that life can take deeply. I can’t.

I do it for me. Because I’m awesome. Not just because I took care of Rowan or because my family has someone managed to hold together or because we still find joy. I’ve been awesome for a long time.

I’m awesome because I never apologized for being a talented actress back in high school when that was my thing. I never apologized for being book smart either, despite the fact that the boys in my class didn’t like it. I’m awesome because I wasn’t looking to find love or a spouse when I met my husband, but I didn’t run away from it. I embraced the chance of a real partnership. I’m awesome because when I got sick and had to drop out of college, I got better, got a job, and worked while going to school until I could get scholarships back and go to school full time. I’m awesome because I mothered Little Bird. I’m awesome because I started student teaching two weeks after she was born because I refused to settle and was willing to work to have it all. I graduated with an infant in tow. I got a job teaching in an impossible hiring climate. I’m awesome because I am a great teacher and I am improved by working at a school full of them. I’m awesome because I carried a child I knew I would bury one day to full term despite the stresses that could have shortened that pregnancy. I’m awesome because I mothered Rowan. I’m awesome because we made his life worth it and loved him. I’m awesome for looking death in the face when it took my son from me and I AM FREAKING AWESOME because I get out of bed every morning, smile without faking it, laugh and share joy, and move foreword, looking for new ways to be a badass.

I’m awesome because I keep reaching. I keep searching and exploring. I keep loving. I keep living.  I’ve surrounded myself with awesome people a who have reminded me how awesome I am when I needed it, even when it’s sending me a book to remind me that I’m a badass when I start to forget. I’m going to make it through this period of grief relapse like I made it through the original one. I’m going to lean in. I’m going to be open to my thoughts and feelings. I’m going to move through it this time like I did last time. Like a badass who loved their son and misses him deeply.