I feel like I am on the teetering point of ages. I’m 23. That’s young by most standards. I am idealistic about the world, love exploring, I’m recklessly in love with my husband and I’m just starting my career. I still get butterflies and nerves and I have verbal vomit and I don’t quite know how to fit in to all situations. I’m trying to figure out my place in the world and I get antsy if I live somewhere longer than a year.
Then, there is the fact that I’m a mom. 
I don’t know why it changes so much, but it does. I feel like some of my younger (ok, let’s just say it SLUTTIER) clothing is no longer something I feel is appropriate for me to wear out. I have to think about things like writing a will, life insurance, health insurance, car insurance, child care, meals, etc. Planning ahead is essential in taking care of Evelyn. You can’t go anywhere without making sure everything she needs is packed. On top of that, I keep the house while Doc is gone. I’m an adult with big responsibilities. So shouldn’t I have the “settle down” instinct? Shouldn’t I be ready to “grow up”, buy a house, paint my picket fence white? Because I don’t and it makes me feel like a bit of a freak.
So, where the hell do I fit? I’ve been wandering between these two ideas trying to make them fit. And this is what I’ve discovered. I’m a twenty something. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life yet, I’m finding my place in the world, and I have a zest for life. Just because I’m also a mom, doesn’t mean I have to resort to nights watching TV in recliners and minivans. I’m not ready to want the white picket fence. Part of being a “twenty-something” is not knowing – wandering. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m still wandering to experience and explore life. And I can still be a twenty-something while being a mom. I don’t have to know everything to be a good parent.
I just have to love and nurture and encourage Evelyn’s own sense of exploration.
AND I LOVE that she is so good at exploring. She wanders and I couldn’t be more proud. Not all who wander are lost after all.
F the white picket fence! Use your twenties to figure out if you want a 23 floor balcony, a small community garden, a tie dyed fence, or a giant estate where you have no idea if you have boarders or not! That is what your twenties are for. Two houses later I have learned I NEED a master bathroom, I want a large kitchen, and I could give an F about a back yard or a "play area" for the kids as long as their is a park in walking distance. Wonder and Wonder until you have somethings figured out then Wonder some more!
ReplyDeleteYour honesty always helps me to feel better about things like this!
ReplyDeleteA lot of people believe that by the time you are married and have a child, that you need to have it all figured out. I think that trying to do that at such a young age, married or not and child or not, can make you feel pretty lost.
I love that you are staying true to yourself and your family. While being an awesome mother! :)
Taking it a day at a time is the only way to go, I think. I have tried 4 or 5 different jobs for not very long, decided they really weren't for me, and moved on. I may never figure out what I want to do, but I know I love my babies and the Steve and we're gonna follow one another wherever things end up taking us. Being conventional is boring.....despite the fact that I live a fairly conventional life right now :)
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