Christmas Cards are the WORST

I know lots of people love holiday cards. They like planning their family picture and ordering them and sending them out to grace refrigerators everywhere. I used to really enjoy them. We kept talking about how nice it would be to send one out one year, but just didn’t really get around to it.

Now I regret that a bit. Because I don’t know that I will ever be able to send out a holiday card again.

Because whatever picture we send won’t be a picture of our family. If I send a picture of the four of us when Rowan was alive, it’s a really old picture. It’s not what we look like now. If I send one of Doc, Little Bird, and I…well, someone will always be missing from that photo.

So every time I get a card in the mail I start sobbing. I see all these happy families in all different sizes and shapes and I just grieve for the fact that my happy little family won’t be together like that again. Rowan won’t be sitting on his Dad’s shoulders while Little Bird and I are kicking up snow or some other bull shit holiday meme. No ugly sweaters.

Maybe one day I’ll feel like I will look at a family picture and feel like it’s “ok” or “right”…but I think that years away.

Christmas cards just remind me of why the holidays are so hard and all the beautiful Christmas memories I won’t ever get with my son.

Last Christmas, my son’s chest was open. I could see his lungs and heart. He was paralyzed. He wasn’t breathing on his own. He had 13 different tubes stuck in him.

That’s the only Christmas I got.

It’s heartbreaking.

That’s all.

Get Rid of Dry Skin

Ok, seriously excited about this!

I went to my allergist yesterday for a follow up and mentioned that my skin had been itching like crazy and would occasionally get really red and sort of rashy. I was worried I was allergic to something, but had started no new soaps/detergents/etc.

Dry skin. I’m taking antihistamines to manage my allergic responses while I’m receiving allergy shots and they can dry you out too. Plus it’s winter.

So my doc asked me my routine.

Shower. Lotion (something without fragrance).

His response.

Shower = oil afterwards

Through out the day = lotion

Water removes the oils from our skin so you want to replace the moisture with oil and then the oil also seals the moisture in. During the day, if your skin is dry you want to add moisture by using lotion. So last night I used olive oil after my shower and my arms went from itchy and patchy to 100% soft, smooth, and feeling fine.

Too good a change not to share. I will be trying this thing I read about where you whip oil with a mixer and it turns into a creamier substance (like body butter) that you can use for an easier application.

My favorite thing – evening shower, oil, satin pajamas.

Seriously.

I feel like a queen.

Trying to sort it all out…

So I’ve been writing again. It’s weird to say that looking back there are periods where I don’t know what happened. Events seem so bizarre or non-sensical that I can’t figure out how or why they happened. People’s reactions. Conversations that proved people were blind to what my life was…what Rowan’s life was. I almost felt like two people. There was the me that was living each day – full of light and warmth – content and peaceful. Then there was the me with the angry and bitter inner monologue that hated everyone and everything and resented more harshly than most.

So I’m trying to write it out. Trying to piece things together. What flipped the switch for me? Why did some people do what they did? Why were we so alone for so much of it?

It’s hard to tell. But at least I’m trying again.

It’s easier to understand where you are going if you understand where you’ve been.

So Happy It's Not Considered Crazy

So when someone has recently lost someone very close is just about the only time that hallucinations of any kind are considered totally normal and ok.

I say that so no one responds to this post with "ho damn...she lost her mind".

So let's go with it.

When my Wolfcub left this earth, I felt it. I didn't need Doc to tell me his heart had stopped. I felt his light go away with his last little heart beat. And he was gone. I didn't "feel" him around anymore. Normally I dream and feel those dreams provide guidance and insight. I have had exactly ZERO dreams of him since he passed. I didn't feel him in my home. He was straight up gone from me.

It's really torn me up. When Matt's grandma, a very dear lady to me, passed - I felt her everywhere for several weeks. Still occasionally I feel her. But my own son? Nothing!? WHAT THE HECK!?!?!?

It felt like everything was just completely severed. He was gone. WHY? Was he mad? Was he done with me? Did we just have a good and full goodbye and there was nothing left? Did he hate me for not being able to save him? Was there just nothing left? Was he reincarnated? TRUST ME, I considered every reason. All of them hurt.

So a few nights ago, I had this moment that just let me relax about some of the things I had worried about. Like his stocking. Put it up? Get rid of it? Hide it? Burn it? What do I do with it? We had an empty hook in our stocking arrangement. And my Little Bird, who is so full of light, didn't think a second about running into the closet, and digging out Rowan's stocking and hanging it up. "There! I fixed it!" She yelled. And she was right. I keep thinking I have to make all these big decisions on how we grieve by myself...but we're all doing this together. I finally relaxed a little bit about the next few weeks and all we are going to face.

I went to bed that night, and as I laid down, suddenly it was like there was a whisper on my chest, like a warm light that felt like when Rowan used to place his hand over my heart when I held him. I knew that feeling. And just as fast as I'd felt him leave nearly 4 months ago, it was like this warm light that was full of joy and peace was sending images into my head, images filled with feelings. Messages.

The beautiful red stocking in our family display, with Rowan telling me that he thought it was cool. Little Bird sleeping peacefully in her bed, glowing in the lights of her little tree, hands engulfing a soft little plush wolf - and the sense that he checks up on her frequently, he loves her, and he loves that she has his old things.

Then this image of two wolves, sad, prideful, and longing as a little naked boy said goodbye as he was leaving the jungle, the sound of Doc's voice reading the farewell scene taking place from the Jungle Book, my son acknowledging the connection of the story his father read to him and how it played into his life - showing that he understood as we did, that our Mowgli had to leave the Jungle.

Then my little boy waking up after open heart surgery, intubated, and smiling and near dancing with joy as he woke up and saw his Dad waiting on him. A feeling of pride. Acknowledging the pride his daddy felt for him then and wanting that feeling to be one that lasted forever.

Then it was like I got to ask him questions. I told him how much I missed him and kept wishing to see him places. Of all the times I pictured him with us and life seemed so much happier.

He showed me a glimpse of my brother's wedding, where I was giggling during the ceremony as I realized that the entire audience was standing and that it was adorable. It was as if he had been there laughing in delight too, just stopping in to to watch.

A lot of my thoughts and questions were met with confussion or shrugging, as if he didn't really know or was indifferent. I felt glimpses of other lights - people I'd known who had passed, almost chasing in and out of the conversation. And after all this, I couldn't stop tears from flowing. Since then, it's like I feel his warmth in our home all the time. No more images and certainly not the rapid fire ones - but it's like his light is just hanging out for a while.

Is it crazy? A little, haha. I thought it was weird how similar the whole thing felt to what mediums describe on TV. I honestly don't care if it was real or not. If it IS real or not. It was amazingly beautiful. I needed it. And it makes me feel like the holidays may not be depressing and horrible after all.

I'm thankful for the crazy.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I'm thankful to feel the joy and light Rowan brought to my life again.

Milestones

My son died 3 and a half months ago. I still have moments where I just cannot understand how he can not be here. I don't understand why he isn't with me and I'm overwhelmed by the giant hole that will be a part of the rest of my life. When Rowan was sick I used to try to picture him at an event in the future, happy and healthy. That event was my brothers wedding, which took place yesterday. I spent the days leading up to it trying to stay calm and keep the grief at bay while visiting with family. But the day of, I walked into the chapel and it killed me to know that Rowan missed this. Rowan wasn't going to be in pictures. No little tux. Rowan wasn't sitting with his sister in the pews. No pictures of him with the bride and groom. I wanted him to share that beautiful day with us. I had to excuse myself occasionally to go cry for a bit and get it together. This was supposed to be our big Happily Ever After. I was so happy my brother was getting married and so happy to finally have his fiancé become my official sister. It was hard to balance being so happy and so sad at the same time. I tried to do little things to remind me that even though he wasn't physically there, I was carrying him with me. I tied my wolf print necklace to my bridesmaid bouquet so I could rub it when I got sad or nervous.

Between the ceremony and reception, the DJ played a song called Count on Me by Bruno Mars. We sang that song to Rowan all the time. We listened to it on hard drives to the ICU. We played it at his memorial. I lost it. I had to leave and finally let out some of the grief. After that I was able to relax some and just enjoy the reception. The whole wedding was gorgeous. The bride was breathtaking and my dad did a great job with the ceremony. It was nice to have so much of our family together.

This wedding was the first of several Milestones to come. December 10th is Rowan's day of birth, but I don't even know what to write on my calendar, let alone how I am supposed to even be able to breath in and out that day. Then my birthday is the day after. The idea of celebrating it just seems horrifying. Then Little Bird's birthday, Yule, and Christmas with my parents. He won't be there. He won't ever be there. You hope as time passes, each day will get easier. It doesn't seem to be doing that.

Some Thoughts on Helping Those Who Have Lost…

 

One of the things we hear a lot lately is “let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” It’s really nice to know that people are available. While I know that no one else really knows what I am going through in the same sense that I don’t know what my husband is going through, it’s encouraging to be reminded that others are available.  But the question always run into is “available for what?” I don’t think there is anything anyone can do that will make things better.  I mean, sure, I love seeing friends. That is one of the most helpful things is just some quality time with people I love who love me.

So what can you do?

Doc and I were talking about this the other day. There are things that I think people who have experienced any major life change, whether it be loss or something else that is stressful, need to be asked. We ask each other these questions to make sure that we don’t miss anything while being wrapped in our own grief.

Saying “are you ok” or “how are you doing” isn’t really specific enough. People need to have hard questions asked. If someone says “how are you doing?” I don’t know how comfortable they really are with the truth. It’s also really easy for me to say that I’m doing okay, or coping, or making it through each day and avoid talking about anything “real”. You want to make sure someone is really ok? Then ask them these questions.

1.) Are you sleeping at night? – Sleep deprivation leads to crazy. It can make people behave erratically, increase anxiety and depression, cause people to have even more difficulty controlling their emotions and coping with what they feel. If someone isn’t sleeping, this gives you an open door to talk about real issues. “What is making it difficult to sleep? Are you having trouble relaxing? Are you having trouble turning your mind off?” You can talk about things like getting a massage or exercising or even establishing a routine before bed to help them out. Offer your ear if they can’t sleep.

2.) Are you eating enough?/Are you over eating? – Stress eating…man, does junk food make you feel bloated and sleepy and worse? Because it makes me feel that way. When I’m really sad or stressed I forget to eat. Not eating = low energy and grumpiness.  Sometimes a simple reminder that I need to pay attention helps.

3.) Have you thought about hurting yourself? – This is a hard stinking question to ask someone. BUT people need to be asked. What if they are and NO ONE HAS ASKED THEM? I will say that NO ONE but my husband asked me this question. My son died. Someone should ask me this. I think people assume that someone’s friend or someone’s family is paying attention. Don’t assume. Ask. I promise the directness is important. That said…don’t freak out. I haven’t thought about it.

4.) Have you been able to get out of your house much? – For me right now, being reclusive is a defense mechanism. I have to push to make myself get out. It is extremely helpful for me emotionally to spend time with friends or family or to be outside of my home among people. Pulling away from people and wanting some time to yourself aren’t the same thing. It’s nice to be encouraged to remember that I should go take a walk or do something on days it is easier to try to stay in pajamas and watch TV all day instead of getting a move on.

5.) What have you done to take care of yourself? – It’s just important to ask. In my case, I spent so long taking care of someone else that learning how to take care of myself again is a baby step process. I forget that I can do that.

Challenge Week 3: Brussels Sprouts

 

Oh my gosh you guys. Green. Veggie. Heaven.

I kid you not! For a veggie that matched the caliber of broccoli in the school age yuck fest, I CANNOT believe how stinking delicious these teeny tiny baby cabbage are. Seriously, my veggie hating husband requests this dish ALL THE TIME now.

So here it is!

Preheat oven to 300ish. Slice brussels sprouts in half. Coat the bottom of a baking dish with olive oil and then lay the brussels sprouts in the pan flat side down. Salt and pepper them lightly.

Stick em in the oven.

In a little bit, like maybe ten minutes or so, flip the brussels sprouts over. Cook until they are lightly brown around the outside edges.

I like to sprinkle them with a little bit of parmesan cheese, but they are fantastic without it.

Eat a lot of them.

SO easy and these little buddies stay fresh in the fridge for several days so they are now a staple at our house. YUM!!